lists

- You know you're getting old when you're stoked on buying a new scented candle.

- I finally cleaned my room and I want people to come over and hang out in it. I'll make sure to light my new scented candle.

- I got certified as a "Fragrance Expert" at Sephora. In the general cosmetics world, I am a Certified Fragrance Sales Specialist. Sweet, I guess...

- I had an amazing cupcake from a chocolate shop in the food court today and now I'm on a quest to come up with the perfect cupcake recipe. I think I might consult with Kristin on this one.

- Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly fucking things up and that I'm not doing so well with life, but I've come to realize that the times I start to think those things are the times I actually do start to fuck up. PMA, dudes...

- I miss my friends. I spend a lot of time in my house, with my roommates, and that's fine and all. I just need to get better at making myself get out of the house and doing stuff.

- I want to get more comfortable with spending time by myself and being alone. For the most part, I spend most of my day with people, or talking to people. That's great and all, but I've noticed that when I don't have anyone around to talk to, I get depressed or I become productive. I'd like to get depressed less often and become productive more often.

-Little things here and there make me appreciate some key people in my life and make me disappointed with others.

Too much self-doubt and self-loathing. I need to snap out of it. The last couple of days have been pretty rough.

I turn 22 in a week and I haven't accomplished a goddamn thing with my life.

+ Creeps suck.
+ I love my friends.
+ I need to stop drinking so much.
+ Work is awesome sometimes. Tonight, my manager Jen stuck her thumbs in blue eyeshadow and swiped them across my eyelids, leaving me with ridiculous bright blue thumbprints on my eyes. I laughed so hard I cried AND puked.
+ Boys are confusing creatures.
+ I miss my little Joshie Woo Bear. Best little brother ever.
+ I never learn my lesson when it comes to anything.
+ Fabulous.

Updating livejournal style!

+ I got my septum pierced. Getting my feet tattooed by Tina on Tuesday... pretty fucking stoked on that.

+ Work has been going really well. I don't hate being there at all. I just hate anything that gets in the way of me sleeping my life away.

+ On that note, I sleep way too much. Or not enough.

+ Definitely been down on life lately. Ugh.

+ Boy situations. I hate the opposite sex. Unless they are friends or they are snuggling me. Or both.

+ I don't really have a reason to hate dudes right now. I just kind of do.

+ I think I want to start looking in to moving somewhere else. Like, far away from here. I need a change.

+ I need to cook more often.

+ FUCK WINTER.

Watching someone you love and care about continually fuck up and ruin their life is one of the hardest things to deal with.

I just spent the past seven or so hours waiting in the emergency room with my seventeen year old brother that most people don't even know I have because he ran away from the institution he was in (for the fourth time in five weeks) to go get high, and not only got into a physical fight, but took 30+ Robitussin gel caps. The past two times he's ran, they've found alcohol, pot, PCP, and opiates in his system. The last time he ran, they found between 20-30 Dramamine pills hidden in his sock. When they asked him what he planned on doing with the pills, he said he was going to take them all at once to get high.

Every time my father calls, I almost don't want to answer the phone because I'm afraid that he's calling to tell me that Chris ran again. Or that Chris is dead. Over the past eight years or so, I've only lived with him for a year or two. To me, he's not a seventeen year old young adult. He's still that annoying nine year old boy who would nerd out over horror movies and South Park.

I'm sick of having to pretend that this doesn't affect me and getting angry and having to hold back tears until I'm by myself. But I think most of all, I'm sick of feeling like I'm wasting my time when I try to talk to him. I don't know how to get through to him, and I don't know that I ever will.

Things I Wish I Had:

+ Hope.





In other news, I did a review for Adam, Trey, and Zack's music blog. If you don't check it already, get on it.

procrastinating.

I have a million things I should or could be doing right now, but instead I'm sitting on my bed, listening to Weezer, drinking a Harvest Moon, and wishing it was fall. I want to walk down the street and hear the leaves crunch under my feet and feel the breeze through my hoodie. I'm done with the 90+ degree weather and ridiculous humidity. 

I've been pretty scattered lately. I really wish my defense mechanism to dealing with stress wasn't to completely stop functioning. It doesn't help my situation whatsoever. I need to start focusing and taking shit day by day. I'm eternally grateful for my few close friends that always seem to be there to help me pick up the pieces, but I'm sick of feeling like a fuck up. I need to get on top of my shit and get my life together. I keep on reassuring myself; I AM a good person, I AM intelligent, I DO have something positive to contribute to society, I CAN fucking do it. But I guess it's like they say, actions speak louder than words.